From her mouth

The other night I was getting ready to go to work. Zoey asked me "mommy, you work when its dark?" I said yes. She took a moment to think then spurted out

"Do you want to take my flashlight??"

She was totally serious. I just love her.

the last year

I have tried to write this blog for a while, but it never came out right. Maybe tonight it will.

Today I just finished my RN1 semester. It is hard to believe that a year ago at his time I was at my deepest low. And that's saying something... A year ago at this time I had a 1 week old baby. I felt ugly. Not only did I have normal new mommy self image problems, I was ridiculously puffy still from my body going through shock. I had thought pregnancy was bad.... wrong. I was so weak at this point that I still was afraid to carry Ava upstairs by myself. I was so blessed that Chris decided to take the week off after the baby was born. I honestly don't know how I could have done it alone. I had a hard time even looking at Ava without busting out in tears. I had so many emotions. Regret. Sadness. Hatred. Most of my time was spent downstairs sleeping or silently crying. That was me. A mess, right?

Somehow, I miraculously got everything ready for nursing school. I had to have my dad come over to carry all my books upstairs, but we made it through. We then miraculously moved my now family of 4 out of our HOME and into my dads so I didn't have to worry about working while in school. There were a lot of sudden changes in our lives in such a short time.

Then, when Ava was only 5 weeks old I started on this journey called Nursing School. I was told I was to have clinicals in Labor and Delivery that semester...REALLY?!? Can't a girl catch a break? We learned all about pregnancy, labor, and childhood. It was a struggle to sit through class sometimes. Sometimes I didn't. More than one occasion I had to leave. It was too much hearing about what "should" happen. What should have happened to me!!! The day we talked about delivery was my turning point. We watched a movie about the "miracle of birth." blah blah blah. I could sit through the pregnancy park ok. The labor part was fine, even the delivery. But when the movie said "the mother now delivers the placenta" while showing a happy family with a newborn, I had had it. It is such an overlooked part of pregnancy that they didn't even show anything and merely mentioned it as the mother was cooing over her baby. I snapped. I ran outside and just kept running...and crying. I went outside and just ran. I still remember looking down at my white shoes and blue uniform pants. I must have needed to go to the hospital that night for preassessments. I didn't know where I was going. But I couldn't think of anything else to do to get all my emotions out. I must have looked like a true crazy person running around my school in my uniform with tears streaming down my face. I had planned on going in and telling my teacher, who also happened to be the head of the department, that I was dropping out. I couldn't do it. It was too much. Too soon. But what she did was probably the best thing of my life. She gave me a hug and just let me cry. and cry. and cry. It was the first time since it happened I was able to abandon what I "should" be like and just let go. She assured me that with time and distance I would get better. (she was right. imagine that). She also encouraged me to maybe see a counselor, and that that was ok.

As soon as I left school that day I was on the phone finding someone to see. Counseling was probably the single best thing I did this whole year. I got diagnosed with PTSD, which totally made sense. The flashbacks. The panic attacks. The nightmares. It was all me. He was able to teach me what to do once these panic attacks start. Throughout our sessions the goal was for me to be able to think of the whole situation. Each day I could get further and further until I needed to stop and had had enough. Then one day I was able to do it!! I used my relaxing techniques to get me through it. It was an amazing day. I don't know if I have ever felt more accomplished in my life.

I was able to go through my L&D clinicals, and not only survive them but leave with a renewed love for it. That has always been my goal when I started the process to become a nurse. I had momentarily been scared that I would have to find somewhere else to go. I will be a labor and delivery nurse.

The months following had their ups and downs. Trying to juggle the riggers and drama of nursing school while trying to stay on top of my illness was rough. Sometimes I was better than others. Sometimes I was better to others. And my husband. Poor Chris has had to deal with psycho-stressed-out wife too many times. He has had the brunt of it. We have struggled as a couple on a few things. But we have made it work. I love him.

As each day goes, I am left with a deeper passion that this is my calling. I was made to be a nurse. Before nursing school I wanted to be a nurse. Now I NEED to be a nurse. I can't think of myself as anything but one. I don't know why I never thought of nursing growing up. It was never on my radar as anything. But I am so glad that it got there somehow.

And so now, here I am. 3 semesters down. 1 to go. I am mentally stable. I am so blessed to be in the program I'm in with teachers who are more than understanding. I would have walked out and never come back. I love my class. I love my friends that I have made. I was really worried that I would be that awkward girl in the corner that was just kind of there. I guess I have grown up since high school. lol. But I have made friends, who will probably stay friends my whole life. Its kind of strange coming from me.

For the past year I have lived, breathed, and drank nursing school. It is hard to believe that in a few short months it will all be over and it will all be a distant memory.... or nightmare depending on what test I'm thinking about. Ava's birth changed me more than I ever thought possible. I am a much more independent, confident person. Life is a gift. literally. It has taught me that humans are more resilient that I ever thought possible. I mean, who goes from their deathbed at the hospital to being at the bedside of others in a hospital in a matter of weeks. The human body is amazing. It can put up with so much. Some doctors are stupid. ....its up to me to stand up to them!! I am not the weak and timid Alicia of the past. I am strong. I am Alicia RN....ok. maybe not yet. But oh so soon!!!!!

Thoughts on life

I just spent 10 beautiful days out of school. I got to spend them with my family and sweet daughters. Saw a few friends. Worked a little. Took the NCLEX-PN and PASSED!!!!! Became a nurse. EEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! And spent some time with my husband. He has worked so hard while I have been slaving away at school. I don't thank him enough for how much we depend on him.

We took a drive with just the two of us. As we were talking I leaned over and put my head on his shoulder. I used to do that all the time when we would drive to visit his family out of town. It had been a long time since I did that. But it felt so nice. Just him and me driving to nowhere. It was then that I thought just how luck I am to be able to do that. I should not be here. My life was in my doctors and nurses hands. And they were able to give me the gift of life....twice in one day. (Ava being the second...or first I guess.) I have been struggling with hatred towards my doctor for potentially causing my problem. I have failed to remember it doesn't matter if he caused it or not, he is the one responsible for keeping me here for my sweet family. And for that, I will be eternally grateful.

I have been so cought up in school that I have forgotten why I am doing this in the first place, and how lucky I am to be able to actually be in the program that I'm in. Life is not a guarantee. It is a blessing. We really need to look at life as not something we have to endure, but something we GET to endure.

I love my family. I love my sweet daughters. And I absolutely love my giving husband who has put up with my craziness. He didn't sign up for half crazy wife in nursing school, but he takes it in stride.

From her mouth

Today Ava had her 9 month appointment. On the way Zoey asked what the doctor was going to do to her. I said just check her and see how she is growing. Then Zoey said tearfully, "I want to keep Ava." So I had to explain that we get to keep her forever. "But I don't want her to take my toys forever." ...oh Zoey.

From her mouth

I was talking to Zoey about a big test I need to take to become a nurse. She then told me "mommy, I don't want you to be a nurse." Curious, I asked why. "I want you to be my mommy"

 Oh, that was the sweetest, saddest thing I have ever heard. I can't wait to just be a mommy and a nurse and put this whole student thing behind me.

Thoughts on Nursing School

I have a confession to make. I potentially have chosen the wrong career. Not because the work is so hard, or I hate the smell of hospitals, or because I enjoy the occasional potty break. But I hate throw up. I will tell you once, and I will tell you again. I hate it. I can handle it once its out, but its the getting there that gives me the willies. (Am I saying too much for you non nursing students?? Nursing school tends to delete your filter. You should hear about the things we have talked about during lunch....) A little while before I started school my husband had the stomach flu. While I was being the good wife that I am and delivering a can of sprite he made a sudden, very unexpected movement. I did not comfort him. I didn't even ask if he was ok. I ran. Out of our room. Up the stairs. Through the kitchen. And practically out the back door. And then I realized he wasn't going to throw up. He was just sitting up to drink his sprite! So with my head down in embarrassment I went back downstairs to take care of my sick husband.

Well some time passed and I made it into nursing school. And oh my goodness I was so excited. So much so that it practically put me into labor. Literally. I had my baby the next day. I was 40 weeks pregnant. We learned soooo much stuff. How to give shots. Ethical issues of nursing. Gillian Barre disease. How to use Therapeutic Communication...and how to spot it when your teacher uses it when you come to her room bawling your eyes out. How to teach patients how to prevent HIV. How to slap someone real good when they don't listen. How to not dress for Halloween. How to insert catheters, and how to remove them with out removing body parts. Hopefully. How to be friends. And to bring popcorn every day to class because, boy movie produces pay big bucks to create all the drama we get to see. How drug dealers don't make money through endorsement. And so much more.

But what is missing in that fabulous list? What to do when your patient has got to spew. I must have missed that lecture. And it was unfortunate. One of my last clinicals I was told in report that a patient had been vomiting several times, even after Zofran was given and all it would take was the little bit of water to swallow a pill. You better believe I got a little tachycardic with that. I missed the patient throwing up all over you lecture, remember? So time comes for us to give this pt their pills and a shot in the belly. So we give her Zofran. Good. I give the pills. Good. Now, I have to give the shot. In the belly. Right in Barf range. My patient moves a little when I grab their belly. And my first instinct is to run like heck. But I don't. I give  the shot and off we go. I did it. So 5 minutes before I have to leave we go in to check on this patient. We aren't in there more than 10 seconds when they say they are going to throw up. My nurse quickly grabs a bucket and takes care of our sick patient. And what did I do...besides maybe pee my pants a tiny bit. But don't worry about that, we learned with enough kagals I can work of that. Jk. Jk. ....well kinda. We really have learned about Kagals in great detail. But I digress. I stayed in that room. I didn't know what to do. But I stayed in the room, upright. Without fainting might I add, because I did that a few weeks earlier. I didn't stay right next to my patient and hold the bucket like my nurse did. But one step at a time because I sure wanted to just say see ya! Time to go and run outta there.

What did this teach me? That I can be a nurse.  But I can be a nurse. Nursing school is more than what we learn in lecture or lab. Its about the little triumphs we have all had. Its the caring. Its the lets get all the strange things like fainting during a PICC line out of your system when you can blame your student status. Its the silent victory as me give our first ventral gluteal IM injection. Its the smile we give to the student walking down the hall that doesn't sit in your "group." Nursing school is not just about being nurses. Its about becoming the best person we can be.



PS If this story sounds like you, its not. That was all made up to go with my story. I actually have never even gone to clinicals. I'm not even in nursing school. I'm a 40 year old engineer who has decided to go into law. So that was all fabricated in my brain. It never happened. If you think it did, you are wrong.

The last candle.

This is writen because of a prompt on Red Writing Hood. I was given a photo and a song. You can see these here. Please feel free to comment. I feel like moments are cliche. But maybe not. And if you have no idea what is going on, perhaps I need to add more detail.

 

 

The light flickered. All of a sudden I could feel all the pain I had been feeling for years drain out of my body, leaving me with a lightness I had never before experienced. I could no longer hear the rain outside, but was left with the sound of my thoughts. The light engulfed me; making me feel complete and unafraid. It was ok. I was ok. It became a source of comfort. I was not alone. They say your life flashes by you in this moment. But it was more the feelings of a lifetime manifested in a single moment. Pure Happiness.  As I walked forward, the emotions became more powerful, drawing me in. As I got closer I knew I had a choice: to continue towards the peace I had been searching my whole life for, or to go back—back to the pain and the anguish. Today, the choice was simple. I kept walking.