From her mouth

The other night I was getting ready to go to work. Zoey asked me "mommy, you work when its dark?" I said yes. She took a moment to think then spurted out

"Do you want to take my flashlight??"

She was totally serious. I just love her.

the last year

I have tried to write this blog for a while, but it never came out right. Maybe tonight it will.

Today I just finished my RN1 semester. It is hard to believe that a year ago at his time I was at my deepest low. And that's saying something... A year ago at this time I had a 1 week old baby. I felt ugly. Not only did I have normal new mommy self image problems, I was ridiculously puffy still from my body going through shock. I had thought pregnancy was bad.... wrong. I was so weak at this point that I still was afraid to carry Ava upstairs by myself. I was so blessed that Chris decided to take the week off after the baby was born. I honestly don't know how I could have done it alone. I had a hard time even looking at Ava without busting out in tears. I had so many emotions. Regret. Sadness. Hatred. Most of my time was spent downstairs sleeping or silently crying. That was me. A mess, right?

Somehow, I miraculously got everything ready for nursing school. I had to have my dad come over to carry all my books upstairs, but we made it through. We then miraculously moved my now family of 4 out of our HOME and into my dads so I didn't have to worry about working while in school. There were a lot of sudden changes in our lives in such a short time.

Then, when Ava was only 5 weeks old I started on this journey called Nursing School. I was told I was to have clinicals in Labor and Delivery that semester...REALLY?!? Can't a girl catch a break? We learned all about pregnancy, labor, and childhood. It was a struggle to sit through class sometimes. Sometimes I didn't. More than one occasion I had to leave. It was too much hearing about what "should" happen. What should have happened to me!!! The day we talked about delivery was my turning point. We watched a movie about the "miracle of birth." blah blah blah. I could sit through the pregnancy park ok. The labor part was fine, even the delivery. But when the movie said "the mother now delivers the placenta" while showing a happy family with a newborn, I had had it. It is such an overlooked part of pregnancy that they didn't even show anything and merely mentioned it as the mother was cooing over her baby. I snapped. I ran outside and just kept running...and crying. I went outside and just ran. I still remember looking down at my white shoes and blue uniform pants. I must have needed to go to the hospital that night for preassessments. I didn't know where I was going. But I couldn't think of anything else to do to get all my emotions out. I must have looked like a true crazy person running around my school in my uniform with tears streaming down my face. I had planned on going in and telling my teacher, who also happened to be the head of the department, that I was dropping out. I couldn't do it. It was too much. Too soon. But what she did was probably the best thing of my life. She gave me a hug and just let me cry. and cry. and cry. It was the first time since it happened I was able to abandon what I "should" be like and just let go. She assured me that with time and distance I would get better. (she was right. imagine that). She also encouraged me to maybe see a counselor, and that that was ok.

As soon as I left school that day I was on the phone finding someone to see. Counseling was probably the single best thing I did this whole year. I got diagnosed with PTSD, which totally made sense. The flashbacks. The panic attacks. The nightmares. It was all me. He was able to teach me what to do once these panic attacks start. Throughout our sessions the goal was for me to be able to think of the whole situation. Each day I could get further and further until I needed to stop and had had enough. Then one day I was able to do it!! I used my relaxing techniques to get me through it. It was an amazing day. I don't know if I have ever felt more accomplished in my life.

I was able to go through my L&D clinicals, and not only survive them but leave with a renewed love for it. That has always been my goal when I started the process to become a nurse. I had momentarily been scared that I would have to find somewhere else to go. I will be a labor and delivery nurse.

The months following had their ups and downs. Trying to juggle the riggers and drama of nursing school while trying to stay on top of my illness was rough. Sometimes I was better than others. Sometimes I was better to others. And my husband. Poor Chris has had to deal with psycho-stressed-out wife too many times. He has had the brunt of it. We have struggled as a couple on a few things. But we have made it work. I love him.

As each day goes, I am left with a deeper passion that this is my calling. I was made to be a nurse. Before nursing school I wanted to be a nurse. Now I NEED to be a nurse. I can't think of myself as anything but one. I don't know why I never thought of nursing growing up. It was never on my radar as anything. But I am so glad that it got there somehow.

And so now, here I am. 3 semesters down. 1 to go. I am mentally stable. I am so blessed to be in the program I'm in with teachers who are more than understanding. I would have walked out and never come back. I love my class. I love my friends that I have made. I was really worried that I would be that awkward girl in the corner that was just kind of there. I guess I have grown up since high school. lol. But I have made friends, who will probably stay friends my whole life. Its kind of strange coming from me.

For the past year I have lived, breathed, and drank nursing school. It is hard to believe that in a few short months it will all be over and it will all be a distant memory.... or nightmare depending on what test I'm thinking about. Ava's birth changed me more than I ever thought possible. I am a much more independent, confident person. Life is a gift. literally. It has taught me that humans are more resilient that I ever thought possible. I mean, who goes from their deathbed at the hospital to being at the bedside of others in a hospital in a matter of weeks. The human body is amazing. It can put up with so much. Some doctors are stupid. ....its up to me to stand up to them!! I am not the weak and timid Alicia of the past. I am strong. I am Alicia RN....ok. maybe not yet. But oh so soon!!!!!

Thoughts on life

I just spent 10 beautiful days out of school. I got to spend them with my family and sweet daughters. Saw a few friends. Worked a little. Took the NCLEX-PN and PASSED!!!!! Became a nurse. EEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! And spent some time with my husband. He has worked so hard while I have been slaving away at school. I don't thank him enough for how much we depend on him.

We took a drive with just the two of us. As we were talking I leaned over and put my head on his shoulder. I used to do that all the time when we would drive to visit his family out of town. It had been a long time since I did that. But it felt so nice. Just him and me driving to nowhere. It was then that I thought just how luck I am to be able to do that. I should not be here. My life was in my doctors and nurses hands. And they were able to give me the gift of life....twice in one day. (Ava being the second...or first I guess.) I have been struggling with hatred towards my doctor for potentially causing my problem. I have failed to remember it doesn't matter if he caused it or not, he is the one responsible for keeping me here for my sweet family. And for that, I will be eternally grateful.

I have been so cought up in school that I have forgotten why I am doing this in the first place, and how lucky I am to be able to actually be in the program that I'm in. Life is not a guarantee. It is a blessing. We really need to look at life as not something we have to endure, but something we GET to endure.

I love my family. I love my sweet daughters. And I absolutely love my giving husband who has put up with my craziness. He didn't sign up for half crazy wife in nursing school, but he takes it in stride.

From her mouth

Today Ava had her 9 month appointment. On the way Zoey asked what the doctor was going to do to her. I said just check her and see how she is growing. Then Zoey said tearfully, "I want to keep Ava." So I had to explain that we get to keep her forever. "But I don't want her to take my toys forever." ...oh Zoey.

From her mouth

I was talking to Zoey about a big test I need to take to become a nurse. She then told me "mommy, I don't want you to be a nurse." Curious, I asked why. "I want you to be my mommy"

 Oh, that was the sweetest, saddest thing I have ever heard. I can't wait to just be a mommy and a nurse and put this whole student thing behind me.

Thoughts on Nursing School

I have a confession to make. I potentially have chosen the wrong career. Not because the work is so hard, or I hate the smell of hospitals, or because I enjoy the occasional potty break. But I hate throw up. I will tell you once, and I will tell you again. I hate it. I can handle it once its out, but its the getting there that gives me the willies. (Am I saying too much for you non nursing students?? Nursing school tends to delete your filter. You should hear about the things we have talked about during lunch....) A little while before I started school my husband had the stomach flu. While I was being the good wife that I am and delivering a can of sprite he made a sudden, very unexpected movement. I did not comfort him. I didn't even ask if he was ok. I ran. Out of our room. Up the stairs. Through the kitchen. And practically out the back door. And then I realized he wasn't going to throw up. He was just sitting up to drink his sprite! So with my head down in embarrassment I went back downstairs to take care of my sick husband.

Well some time passed and I made it into nursing school. And oh my goodness I was so excited. So much so that it practically put me into labor. Literally. I had my baby the next day. I was 40 weeks pregnant. We learned soooo much stuff. How to give shots. Ethical issues of nursing. Gillian Barre disease. How to use Therapeutic Communication...and how to spot it when your teacher uses it when you come to her room bawling your eyes out. How to teach patients how to prevent HIV. How to slap someone real good when they don't listen. How to not dress for Halloween. How to insert catheters, and how to remove them with out removing body parts. Hopefully. How to be friends. And to bring popcorn every day to class because, boy movie produces pay big bucks to create all the drama we get to see. How drug dealers don't make money through endorsement. And so much more.

But what is missing in that fabulous list? What to do when your patient has got to spew. I must have missed that lecture. And it was unfortunate. One of my last clinicals I was told in report that a patient had been vomiting several times, even after Zofran was given and all it would take was the little bit of water to swallow a pill. You better believe I got a little tachycardic with that. I missed the patient throwing up all over you lecture, remember? So time comes for us to give this pt their pills and a shot in the belly. So we give her Zofran. Good. I give the pills. Good. Now, I have to give the shot. In the belly. Right in Barf range. My patient moves a little when I grab their belly. And my first instinct is to run like heck. But I don't. I give  the shot and off we go. I did it. So 5 minutes before I have to leave we go in to check on this patient. We aren't in there more than 10 seconds when they say they are going to throw up. My nurse quickly grabs a bucket and takes care of our sick patient. And what did I do...besides maybe pee my pants a tiny bit. But don't worry about that, we learned with enough kagals I can work of that. Jk. Jk. ....well kinda. We really have learned about Kagals in great detail. But I digress. I stayed in that room. I didn't know what to do. But I stayed in the room, upright. Without fainting might I add, because I did that a few weeks earlier. I didn't stay right next to my patient and hold the bucket like my nurse did. But one step at a time because I sure wanted to just say see ya! Time to go and run outta there.

What did this teach me? That I can be a nurse.  But I can be a nurse. Nursing school is more than what we learn in lecture or lab. Its about the little triumphs we have all had. Its the caring. Its the lets get all the strange things like fainting during a PICC line out of your system when you can blame your student status. Its the silent victory as me give our first ventral gluteal IM injection. Its the smile we give to the student walking down the hall that doesn't sit in your "group." Nursing school is not just about being nurses. Its about becoming the best person we can be.



PS If this story sounds like you, its not. That was all made up to go with my story. I actually have never even gone to clinicals. I'm not even in nursing school. I'm a 40 year old engineer who has decided to go into law. So that was all fabricated in my brain. It never happened. If you think it did, you are wrong.

The last candle.

This is writen because of a prompt on Red Writing Hood. I was given a photo and a song. You can see these here. Please feel free to comment. I feel like moments are cliche. But maybe not. And if you have no idea what is going on, perhaps I need to add more detail.

 

 

The light flickered. All of a sudden I could feel all the pain I had been feeling for years drain out of my body, leaving me with a lightness I had never before experienced. I could no longer hear the rain outside, but was left with the sound of my thoughts. The light engulfed me; making me feel complete and unafraid. It was ok. I was ok. It became a source of comfort. I was not alone. They say your life flashes by you in this moment. But it was more the feelings of a lifetime manifested in a single moment. Pure Happiness.  As I walked forward, the emotions became more powerful, drawing me in. As I got closer I knew I had a choice: to continue towards the peace I had been searching my whole life for, or to go back—back to the pain and the anguish. Today, the choice was simple. I kept walking.

philosophical thoughts of Nursing in my eyes

Nursing school is hard. There, I said it. Now that that is off my chest, I can go on to more important things. ....such as how much I love nursing. I don't even know what I was thinking when I was thinking anything but nursing. I am so excited to serve humanity in such a unique way. Very few professions have the ability to make such an impact on someones life. We are there for someone in a way the average person can't be. I am so blessed that I am on my way to fulfill my dreams. I know through my experiences that I am meant to be a nurse.I don't want to say its a calling, but its pretty darn close.

If I wasn't supposed to be here, than I wouldn't be. If I wasn't supposed to have a closer-to-death-than-I-ever-want-to-get experience the day AFTER I get accepted, than things wouldn't have happened. I know I'm turning all philosophical on you, but thats how it is. That is only going to make me a better nurse. I am on a mission to support the mother and family after a birth trauma. There are little to know resources out there. We are forgotten. If you loose a baby you have a support group. If your child is born with a birth defect you have a support group. If you get an amniotic emboli and end up getting DIC you don't. (now I'm not trying to downplay those situations at all. I whole heartily hope that I never have to go through that myself. But, due to the nature of their situation its easier to identify the need for support. We birth trauma moms don't have anything substantial for people to see and identify with that we need help too. So its just different.) We need a community to come to who understands our problems. Who understands resenting your child for the way she came to the world, but feeling like the worse person in the world because of those feelings. For feeling like a failure because you missed seeing your two children see each other for the first time. Getting off my soap box now.... I know that it is my duty to these mothers to create such support. I don't know if it will come when (not if) I am working in Labor and Delivery. Or if it is something I work on now before I even step foot in a hospital as an RN. But it is my duty to help them. And, in tern, help myself.

For the mom in me

I think this is an amazing story. It makes me so excited to be a nurse. And grateful that the issues I had were so mild compared to this mom. Warning, there are breastfeeding pictures, so if you don't like boobies, than don't read it. lol.

http://theleakyboob.com/2012/04/breastfeeding-the-icu-support-and-facebook-support-that-keeps-on-giving/

blessed

I am so grateful to be able to live my dreams and be in nursing school. I love it. Every minute of it. ....ok, so maybe thats a lie. Every minute except for the constant stress of the billion and a half things I have to do. But I love being in a group of people who are so supportive and find humor in things normal people shouldn't. Like winking urethras. ....ok. that might be a little tmi in this blog. Oh well.

In my other non-nursing student life, Zoey is a goof ball. Yesterday Zoey sang "butter on my head" to the toon of twinkle twinkle little star. No clue where that came from. Ava smiles and laughs now. Its awesome. And Chris is so supportive and does basically everything around the house. I am so blessed.

Perspective

I don't want to sound like I am throwing my whole "I saw the inside of my uterus and had to get it pushed back in" thing out of proportion. I know scarier things have happened to others. But, luckily I guess, it was the scariest thing I hope ever happens to me. And so I shall write about it once again.

Anywho, being able to stair death in the face kind of helped me change my perspective. This has come in handy as I start this new journey called nursing school. So many people in my class seam to be so stressed about everything. I confess, I find myself being included. But I just have to remember, "in the course of a life, what does it matter?" I can't stress or feel bad about a bad test score. I don't have any extra energy to put towards those kind of things. I know that I will know(ish) the answers eventually. The fact that I chose a diet low in salt instead of full of fruits and veggies does not make any better or worse of a nurse. Now, if given the same test 5 years from now I better get close to a perfect score. But for now, I did my best. And how can you do better than your best? What matters is that I have been given the opportunity to be in a nursing program and one step closer to my goal. What matters is that in the end of the day I can go home to my family. What matters is that I am alive to enjoy these things.

Do I get stressed? oh yea. Have I cried more in these last couple weeks than the weeks prior? yup. I just have to keep reminding myself what is important in my life and what is worth my energy. Because lets face it, sleep and energy is hard to come by these days with my cute little perfect family.

In saying that I need to remember to use my time wisely. When I put Zoey to bed I need to be fully focused on her. Some days bedtime is the only time I get with just her an I. Too often I find myself rushing to get through it and not paying as much attention to her as I should. Make each moment count. I can't have my mind on all the things I still need to do when it should be focused my my daughter.....even if it is the 45638372 time I have read Goodnight moon and she fights me over the mittens being, in fact, mittens, and not hands.

Life goes too fast. There is no guarantee I will even see tomorrow, so live in today. Because who knows, my lungs might fall out next time. And something tells me that that's not a good thing.

nursing school

Well I am officially a nursing student. How exciting is that!!! But, sadly, I must tell you all that because of that I think this blog will slowly disinigrate into the land of forgotten blogs that never get new posts. So don't worry. I will see you all on the other side!!!!

reasons why

You know that moment you wake up and turn your pillow over to the cold side and all everything is better all of a sudden. That's how I feel.

I will admit, I had a hard time adjusting to life after labor.  I felt robbed of the birth experience I tried so hard to have. I felt angry. I questioned my love for my children. But mostly I just felt alone. Baby blues is real. Postpartum depression is real........and it sucks. And you feel like a failure.

I decided that I can't let it control my life. I must do what I can to try to keep me from sinking any lower. I can't dwell in that place. But what was that moment that switched this little sad train around? Watching So You Think You Can Dance and they danced to "My Girl." (of all things( I was holding Ava and sang it to her. That's when it hit me. She is my girl. My sweet baby. Not the reason for my nightmares.But my precious gift. My pillow was flipped and all was better in the world. 

Now I still have moments where my pillow starts to get warm and clammy and slightly uncomfortable. But I just have to keep on going. I am so lucky that I was able to turn the switch so quickly. Not everyone is that lucky.

Exciting Days #2 part 2

Part 1 is here.       My blog about my life after this can be found Here.

Ava was here but there was something instinctual in me saying I'm not done yet. They say the placenta just comes out and you don't really realize it. Well my doctor was still there with the cord in his hand and a "hmmm this is different" look on his face. I was still in a lot of pain. I asked him if everything was ok and he said yes the placenta was just having a hard time coming out. Before I knew it I was in worse pain than I was when I had her. I remember him saying "its inside out" and there were a few extra nurses there. Then all of a sudden I saw this bloody blob of something (my uterus) come out of me and a look of terror in the doctors eyes. He immediately tried to stuff it back in. That is when the true screaming and pain began. Oh my gosh. It hurt worse than the worse contraction, worse than trying not to push, worse than the ring of fire. At this point everything starts to run together. He called the anaesthesiologist to come. People were running all over. I remember looking past all this to my mom holding Ava with a look of panic and thinking is this going to be the last time I see them. The anaesthesiologist comes and does his shpeal about all the risks we gave verbal consent and off I was to the OR.

I was wheeled down the hall to the OR and there were people coming out of the woodwork. It hurt sooo bad. They push me in there and there were even more people. I started to go in and out here so all I remember are snipits. They moved me to a different table. I prayed that my children wouldn't be motherless. My blood pressure was dropping. Everything hurt. The big light over head in my face. Then I was gone. I was in a white tunnel trying to find the way out. The tunnel started changing colors like a video game and all of a sudden I was trying to find the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. (I blame Zoey for that one.)

Then all of a sudden I heard familiar voices. I heard Zoey. I tried to say something but all that could come out were moans. I started to wake up for moments at a time and just remember seeing the clock. I could tell Chris was on my side holding my hand. It felt good, like everything was going to be ok. Then I would go out again. But this time I was picturing my family at the bottom of the room with a curtain separating them from me playing parlor games. Then I would wake up and see the clock again. Then out. I don't know how long this happened. Then I was back for good. I could feel someone else hold my hand it was my mom. I kept my eyes closed for the most part trying to process what just happened and asking lots of the same questions. Everyone came over to see me. It was strange because I still didn't really know what happened. Slowly things started to clear up. I remember them saying they were going to give Ava a bottle, and that was the first time I remembered "oh yea, I have two kids now." It was kinda crazy. Its like I forgot all about the last 9 months of pregnancy and day of being in labor.

I couldn't move my arms because I had who knows what. One arm had my regular IV and blood pressure cuff. The other had something around it and my blood transfusion. I was really cold and they kept putting billions of blankets on me. But I couldn't really talk because I had Oxygen on. I was kinda in rough shape. Everyone slowly trickled out and it was just Chris and I. They took Ava to the nursery and I fell asleep.

My nurse came in around 4:30 before shift change and explained everything to me when I was a little more with it.
The placenta never detached from the uterus so when it came out it dragged it with it and turned it inside out, kinda like when you pull a sock from the toe to get it the right way. He tried to put it back in, that's when It really hurt. But since I was loosing so much blood and in so much pain they had to rush me to the operation room. The problem lies in the fact that once the placenta is no longer there the cervix starts to close up, so time is crucial. At that point there were three possibilities. He could manually get it back.if it was open enough. Cut me open like a csection and get it through that way. or if those didn't work hysterectomy. There is technically 4 possibilities if that didn't work and I kept bleeding out, but lets not think about that. Luckily I got away with the easy one. I did loose about 3 Liters of blood (the average person has about 5 or 6). And so I got 4 blood transfusions.

Apparently this is a super rare complication. My doctor has had it happen 3 other times in his 25 years. I had nurses say they had been in Labor and Delivery for 5 years, 12 years ect and had never seen it happen. Needless to say I was the talk of the nurses station. ....And that's saying something because I know triplets were born Wednesday too. Inverted Uteruses are pretty crazy I guess.

I am recovering well just like a normal delivery at this point. I will probably be a little more tender than average. And I get these dizzy spells, which they think is due to all my blood loss and transfusions. But I can generally just sleep them off and I am fine. Ava is beautiful and Zoey is so in love. With everything that went down I wasn't able to hold her for 5 hours, so I was kind of worried about breast feeding. In fact that was one of the reasons why I wanted a natural birth in the first place, so she could be with me skin to skin right away. But lo that wasnt in the cards this week. I am so lucky to be here and raise my two little girls and enjoy my life as a family.

Exciting Day #2 part 1

So I had a pretty awesome day Tuesday, getting into the nursing program and all the day before I have a baby. I couldn't stop smiling all day. Tuesday night I got very little sleep. One time my mind would be racing about nursing, the next about labor and delivery, the next about Zoey with her new baby sister, and sometimes about how the heck am I going to do it all in 5 short weeks. Needless to say I was up before my alarm.

We leave a little early at get to the hospital about 10 minutes early. The front desk gets my information and signs me in and tells me to wait. So we sit down and wait and wait, then the charge nurse comes over and asks if they told us to call before we came in. Obviously not. There wasn't enough room for me at the time but there should be at noon, so I was to call at 11:30. Lovely. Not what i wanted to hear. So we leave and go to Chris' family's house to see Zoey and take a nap. We went to Arby's to eat and pass the time. I call at 11:30 and the charge nurse is busy and they say she will call back. By this time I wonder if I should have just stuck with the 7 instead of this roller coaster of going in or not. She finally calls at 12 and says to come in at 2. Finally!!!

We get there and they send me back and get me all set up. The pictocin starts a little before 3. I was dilated to a 2.5 when they started me. That was surprising since I was only a 1 on Monday. Shift change is at 5 and I got a new nurse who had a natural birth for all three of her children so she said she would help me out. She told me everything to expect. 1-6 is the longest, around 7 is transition, and after that it is hard and generally when people change their mind about the natural thing. I was really worried about the pushing and how that will go. She told me the ring of fire is probably the worst part of it. So there I was fully informed on how my labor and delivery will be.

I hang out in the bed for a while watching tv and listening to my ipod. I found it helped to turn up my music and sing when a contraction hit. So I was constantly putting my earbuds in and out because I wanted to hear what was going on but needed them ready at a moments notice. The nurse got me a birthing ball which was nice. It felt a lot better to be able to bounce than just sitting there. My doctor came in about 6:30 and broke my water. My contractions started getting a lot more intense almost immediately. I just kept bouncing away listening to Cute is What We Aim For. They had the only song I could find that had the right tempo, but didn't change or have much just music time. So I don't know how many times I listened to Curse of Curves. But it put me in the Zone to get trough them without too much uncomfort. Chris made fun of me a lot when he heard the SAME song again. I got checked again at 8:30 and was a 6! That was surprising. It took me 10 hours with Zo to go from a 2-3, so 5 hours to get to 6 was aweeeesome.

The contractions were starting to get a lot more painful, so my nurse showed me different positions I could try. Some helped, some were awkward, and some were just strange. At about 10 I was a 7 and my doctor text my doctor to let him know how things were going. An hour later I was still a 7 and I was wearing down. My nurse at this time got rid of her other patient so she could just be with me. I was very grateful for this. She would show Chris things to do, but it always felt so much better when she did it. I started shaking. Transition! Around 1130 (I'm just kind of guessing at the times here. I wasn't paying that much attention) she checked at I was about 7.5. It hurt so bad. I wasn't getting much time between contractions and they were super painful. I started thinking that I wouldn't be able to do much more. My nurse was so supportive and talked me through each contraction- only 30 seconds and its over, you are through the hard part ect. She checked me again around midnight because I was starting to feel some pressure but didn't think I was feeling "the pressure." I was still about the same part was an 8 and part was still the same. She could see the disappointment and frankly terror to hear that. She asked if I wanted some fentinol to take the edge off, which I agreed to. But when she checked me I thought I was going to pee, so I went to the bathroom. I didn't have to go after all, but sitting on the toilet felt kinda good. while I was in there she started setting up. I started to feel even more pressure so she called in anyone she could to help her. I remember her telling me whatever I do don't bare down for anything. All of a sudden I had lots and lots of pressure and I knew that the bathroom probably wasn't the best place anymore. I somehow managed to get back to the bed with Chris's help. She checked me and sure enough I was complete. She had the charge nurse call my Doctor. Nurses were running around getting everything else set up while my nurse sat there with me telling me not to push. After what seamed like forever he still wasn't there, she made sure the charge called and I guess she didn't realize just how fast baby was coming so she said she would call and tell him to get there stat. At that point she started talking about how she has delivered a few of his babies. She had gloves on and was giving counter pressure to keep her in. I kept saying I'm sorry I can't help but to push, which was the honest truth. That was the hardest part of the whole birth up til that point. He walked in the door gowned up and was there. One contraction and well they don't call it the ring of fire for nothing. Holly Cow. Ring of Fire is a nice way to put it. The only thing going on in my mind is she better get out now so this is over. I felt her head come out and knew just a little bit more and she would be born and BAM Ava was laying on my belly. It didn't feel real at all. I think I was just trying to get through the fact that I just went through all that pain and there was my sweet reward. I knew I still had the placenta to deal with so I just watched as they took her and did all that fun stuff. I did it. I had a natural childbirth. Something I wasn't able to do with Zoey.

Part 2 is here.

Exciting days #1

Tuesday started out like any other day. Zoey and I watched Mickey Mouse in my bed because she woke up at 6 for some reason and I was not about to start the day that early. We ended up both falling asleep after a few hours. A little after 11 I got a phone call from an unknown local number. I really didn't want to answer it and just go back to sleep since Zoey was still asleep and I was going to the hospital the next day to be induced. But I did anyway.

"hello"
"Hi, is this Alicia"
"This is she."
"This is Becky from the DATC practical nursing program....we just had someone drop the program and you are next on the list. Are you interested and be able to start August 27th?"

UHHHH YEAH!!!!!!!!!!! I've only been waiting for years.

"Oh, and you did get get accepted for spring, so you could do that too."

If been waiting for years to get into a program and in one call I find out I get accepted twice.

I tell her I needed to make a phone call and will call her back and let her know.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I call Chris to see if I should do August or wait for January. He told me he would support any decision I make. ....what a wonderful husband. :)

I go upstairs to tell Brittany and before I get it out I get another phone call from a local unknown number. So I answer it.

"hello."
"Hi, is this Alicia"
"This is"
"Hi this is so and so from the *hospital, I was wondering if you could come in at 9 in the morning instead of 7 for the induction."

Oh you want me to come in 10 hours earlier, meaning I will see my baby 10 hours earlier. OK!

I told her I needed to make a phone call and make sure that Zoey will be taken care of, even though I knew she would be.

So I call up Chris and tell him and then ask Brittany if she can watch her. Obviously they both said yes. So I called them and said I will take the morning. And then I call DATC and say YES I will start the 27th. She wanted me to come in and get some paperwork and such sometime this week, so i obviously said that afternoon.

So in a matter of 10 minutes my life changed quite a bit!!!

I am officially a nursing student. And a little overwhelmed to have to get everything done in such a short amount of time. But its a good thing I got Chris home all week next week to help me out and hopefully we can get it all done. woop woop!

From her mouth

We were talking to Zoey about "baby sister." We  told her that she was once in mommy's tummy too. She told us no, thats baby sister. So we asked her how she got here.... ready for it??

"a red and yellow chuchu train."

I guess thats one way to tell her where babies come from when she asks later on in life.....

well well well....sleep

Last weekend I went camping. Yes, at 36 weeks pregnant I was sleeping on the ground with rocks and baby girl kicking me in unknown places. But I figured I don't sleep anyway, I might as well have fun not sleeping. And somehow, as if guarded by a silent magic wand, had my first heartburn free night in months. Thanks goodness.

And that brings me to tonight. Its 2:30 in the morning. And I am awake. I have run out of things to do. While at the time, Olive Garden sounded like a great choice for dinner, my heartburn at the moment is telling me otherwise. I am so tired of sleeping on 5 pillows.

My toddler has been sick this week with first hand foot and mouth, and then an ear infection. So being the pushover mommy I am have let her sleep in our bed if she comes in the middle of the night. And who am I kidding...thats every night. She sleeps just like her daddy. Which means very soundly but with no consideratrion of the person who is sleeping on the last 2 inches of bed with half her body hanging over the side. And so me, in my brilliant sleeping stuppor, decided to sleep in her room on the floor. And for some reason able to sleep better than I have the past month or so. Are you seeing a pattern? In fact, the whole family slept in til 11 the other day. yes. 11. Usually thats when we are thinking about nap time, but we were just getting up. How does that happen?

And so here I am, 9 months in my watermellon suit, slightly wishing I get kicked out of my bed so I can sleep on the ground. I say this even after I have seen 3 spiders roaming around in last couple of days. Now that is saying something.

From MY mouth??

Life with a very imaginative toddler is full of surprises. Not only do you hear things that you never thought you would hear from a 2 year old, sometimes the strange things come from me.

Take today for example:

Zoey has decided that eye boogers you get in the morning are actually eye snakes. So sometimes she goes around wiping your eye and shows you the "snake" on her finger. Well, for some reason she realized that snakes can be found in various places. And thus the saying "There aren't snakes in your pants, only your eyes" magically came out of my mouth. .....yes. Did I really just say that????

i may or may not....

have eaten a whole box of orange creamcicles in one day.

and i may or may not have enjoyed every bite.