Accomplishment

I wrote this for a paper a year or so ago and found it. I'm not sure how I like it. But I thought I would post it for you anyway.

My greatest accomplishment is being truly happy. A few years ago I was in an unhealthy relationship. I was settling for unhappiness. For a while, I was just letting my life float by. So many things happened that were out of my control, like the death of my granddad. I was potentially headed for a downward spiral. Then one day I decided that if I wanted to be happy, I had to do something about it. I couldn’t let my life run past me, leaving me in a hazy fog of sadness. And so I broke up with my boyfriend, moved, and transferred schools. This is undoubtedly the best decision I ever made. The first weekend back home my mom told me she had never seen me that happy in years, and that happiness only got bigger. This one decision eventually led me to my husband and daughter who make me laugh every day. They are my sunshine. And so my most satisfying accomplishment is taking my happiness and my future in my hands, instead of letting it just float by.

different forms

I don't even know where to start.

I got published in our schools literary journal. I was 1 of 7 short stories in it. I was on the short story staff my freshman year and we had like 40 entries, so there were probably about the same this year. So I was pretty proud of my work.

I had a strange feeling though after I read it in the book. It was a very personal story. And I gave the main character my name. So now there will be who knows how many people I don't know who will read it. And that's a scary thought. Now, I realize that is a silly thought for me to write on a public blog that the whole world can technically read. But here I can hide behind the fact that unless you personally know me, you don't really know me by reading this. My story on the other hand, shows a lot more than I think I would ever post on here. So that is scary.

But that is what I wanted, right? right.

My friend gave me a few ideas on how I could turn it into the book I dream of at night. It will happen one day. It will.

But, all that aside, the true reason of this post comes from the fact that I emailed my old English teacher saying I was published and I wanted to send her one. She responded quickly saying what a blessing it was to hear from me since she had been thinking of me lately. (We have kind of kept in touch since I graduated). Then she told me that her husband is very sick and has a webpage about him.

And so I read it. And I cried. No one should have to go through the struggles they are going through. She is such a strong person. And he has pushed every time frame they have given him. People don't just survive what he has unless they love their family so deeply, and have endless support and love from them. Please pray for their family. Cancer is an evil disease.

While I was reading the journal, I picked Zoey up with tears running down my face. She was upset because she wanted something or other and looked at me. She put her hand to my face and put her head on my shoulder. Comforting me. What a little angel I have. I think this was the first thing I have witnessed her understanding sadness and compassion. I love her.

Love: it comes in different form.

Artichokes and other stuff

I've come to realize that life isn't going to be all cutesy-wootsy like in the movies. I'm not going to run to my husband at full force and leap gracefully into his arms. You know, life gets in the way too much for that. ....Or the kitchen table. There just isn't enough room in our house to get that good of a running start.

I watch those chick flicks and at those perfect moments when everyone says awwww, and the select few who were graced with over abundant tear ducts are crying away I get a tinge in my heart saying I want that back. Because our whole courtship was one awwww moment after another it seams like. But then I get to thinking, we do have that. More so now than ever. It just manifests itself differently.

We have generally been the type who don't really do much for Valentine's day. (besides when we got engaged, but that's a different story). I've decorated a paper bag to put his lunch in once. That was kind of fun. But nothing tooo out of the ordinary. But this day was different. I was stressed to the max. Actually I'd say above the max. Anywho, I get home and look in the kitchen. And what did Chris cook? An artichoke. You can't say love better than an artichoke. Seriously. It was at that time that I got that heart melting feeling all over again. The fact that I wasn't planning on anything special made it even more special. He is silly like that. Doing things at the most practical time, while being a total surprise.

A friend of mine is going through a major freak out about texting their date back the next day or wait a while. I say don't play around. Don't over analyze. Love is more than just doing things by the book. Its about going with your gut and hoping that their gut is saying the same thing. If you are on the same page, then life will suddenly get a lot more oooie goooie. If you do over analyze, chances are they will too. And that often times doesn't involve good things.

In the end, we have so many people screaming what "love" should be like. It should be what you want it to be, not what others say. We need more than just a cheat sheet of equations to take to this test, because no set of equations are ever alike. (and love should never involve cheating of any kind). No one will ever see love the way you do. And you will probably never see it the same way twice.

This is starting to become a rambling mess. So I think I'm going to end this now. Perhaps something better will come to mind next time. Until then, please enjoy the music while the party is reached.....

 

Dunk Tank

Can you remember a moment that changed your life?

It was my first weekend "on my own." I moved out of town to get a dance degree, but in reality it was so I could be friends with this boy  I met without getting in trouble with my boyfriend. He would say I was cheating if I talked to this boy while living at home, even if I wasn't. So in my head, if this boy was the only person I knew my boyfriend couldn't get mad for me talking to him. Strange  logic. I think in the back of my mind I knew I was being led somewhere else, and I just didn't know where.

Instead of going home for the weekend, I decided to hitch a ride with this boy to my aunt's house who lived 20 minutes away from where he grew up. Also strange logic to ride an hour with someone I hardly knew, but I was 19 and crazy. Don't judge.

That Saturday my cousin's drill team was in charge of a dunk tank at a big carnival party thing. It turned out that this boy's parents were in charge of the grill, and so he just so happened to be there. He and his friend kept trying to convince me to get dunked. Eventually I got up there. The line was full of children, and each one missed. And then someone hit the bulls eye. The last thing I remember before falling into the water was this boys smiling face in victory.

The party ended. I went my car parked on the side of the road to get my phone and call my boyfriend. I was planning on leaving that night so I could have time to go home home Sunday because I didn't have class on Monday. I sat in the backseat with the door open and my legs dangling out, kicking the curb. He was mad that I was still there. We were in another "one of those" fights: I didn't understand him, I was being stupid. The usual. As I was almost ready to cave and say I needed to get back I saw the boy go up to my uncle and help them take down the dunk tank. Now this is no easy task. He knew just what to do and didn't have to be asked. I remember thinking that if this was my boyfriend, he would have waited until someone sought him out, and then do the bare minimum to make himself look busy. But not this boy. He as so occupied in the task at hand that I hardly saw him. As I sat there watching him while arguing on my phone I realized I was in love. And it wasn't with the boyfriend I was on the phone with. I don't know what it was, but the juxtaposition of hearing how horrible I am for doing nothing wrong, and watching this boy help my family for no reason behind it is something I will always remember.
This was the moment that changed my life. It was a scary feeling. So vulnerable. And no one knew it but me.It empowered me to finally stand up for what I want. I didn't go home that day. My family, the boy, and the boys friend all went to see Hairspray. I laughed through the entire thing. Not because it was funny, which it is by the way, but because I was so nervous of what just happened. I didn't trust myself to do what I needed to do.
We left Sunday and I went straight to my house once I got to my car. I drove right to my boyfriend's house and broke up with him. I can't remember what I said. I just remember knowing that this was final. It was over. Two and  half years gone. And not even a glance back. I didn't know if this boy was "the one," or even if we would become good friends for that matter. But I had to give it a shot.

And now, 3 years later I get the opportunity to watch him play with our daughter. I get to cuddle up next to him when it gets cold at night. And most importantly get to say that he was the best thing that ever happened to me because he has brought me so much happiness. And it all goes back to a dunk tank.

Linking this up with my thoughts and treasures because being able to blog with a snoring husband next to me is a treasure.

One year...

(This is the same as my personal blog, so if you have read it once, you have read it all.)

One year to the minute I was in my 7th hour of labor. I was crying from pain. (remember I didn't get an epi until 12 hours in...). I was scared to death that these 9 months had come and gone. I was going to have to be responsible for more than just myself. I was going to have a screaming (hopefully), beautiful (obviously) baby girl (if all predictions were right). I was finally able to see this precious bundle in all her glory: touch her soft skin, smell her sweet smell. I also was coming to the reality that I now had to share her. She was no longer just mine, she would soon be the worlds. Daddy would want to see her, grandmas, grandpas, aunts, friends. She no longer would be "my baby." I was going to be alone again (kinda). One year ago, I had heard of all the changes in my life that were about to come forth. I knew as soon as I saw her "I'd fall in love." I didn't know how deep that love could be, what it could make you do.



I didn't know the deep gratitude I would have to my Heavenly Father for blessing me with such an amazing miracle. I didn't know that I would one day be covered in poop, spit up, pee, yet be smiling and laughing, for my daughter laughed at her diaper flinging across the room. I didn't know that signing the discharge papers for her as "mother" would throw chills down my spine. One year ago, I wasn't aware of this secret club going on known as motherhood. One year ago I was so excited that I wouldn't be responsible for anything bad that would happen because of my diabetes. Having her out of me, in my vision, was going to be such a relief. Now, I would give anything to be able to protect her that way again. I wish I could cover her up every time she fell. I wish I could eat 3 meals a day, drink water, and get enough sleep and know I was doing everything in my power to protect her. Now, I only wish it was that simple.


A year ago, I never cared about babies. I had never changed a diaper. I had never held a newborn longer than a minute, let alone change its clothes or burped it. I didn't know breastfeeding would be one of the hardest challenges I'd face this year, but one of the most rewarding when we were finally successful. I didn't know I would cry when I no longer produced enough milk to satisfy her and I knew these moments that were just ours were going to be over forever. I never know how much I could cry and cry and cry about her reaching a milestone, because it meant that she had finally succeeded, but was also getting more independent with each one.


I didn't realize how she would change my relationship with my husband. We have learned to compromise. We have learned to care about more than just ourselves. I have learned that I married one of the kindest men out there. He is so in love with Zoey. A year ago, I didn't know how much I wouldn't mind seeing him light up when he kissed another girl--how much I would love seeing his eyes look only at her in a way I have never seen before. I was scared of loosing "us." We never lost us, we just made it better. I didn't know how much I'd hate going in public with him and not have my darling daughter, because people wouldn't know that I'm a mom, he is a dad. They wouldn't know this sweet little girl was mine. I didn't realize I'd feel guilty of being somewhere and they not know I'm a mom.


I've been bit, puked on, pooped on, kicked, and bonked. I've been attacked with kisses and ran to as soon as I walked in the room. I've been loved in a way I'll never be able to explain. I've had my heart riped out, only to beat in another. I've felt God's love on this earth. I've seen the world in a new, amazing light. I am honored to be called a mom, and be blessed with such an amazing daughter. I now know what love is, what it can do. I am eternally grateful to be able to say that yes, this crazy, screaming, opinionated little girl is mine.



This has been featured on Project In My Daughters Eyes. Check out her awesome blog!!