From her mouth

Today Ava had her 9 month appointment. On the way Zoey asked what the doctor was going to do to her. I said just check her and see how she is growing. Then Zoey said tearfully, "I want to keep Ava." So I had to explain that we get to keep her forever. "But I don't want her to take my toys forever." ...oh Zoey.

From her mouth

I was talking to Zoey about a big test I need to take to become a nurse. She then told me "mommy, I don't want you to be a nurse." Curious, I asked why. "I want you to be my mommy"

 Oh, that was the sweetest, saddest thing I have ever heard. I can't wait to just be a mommy and a nurse and put this whole student thing behind me.

Thoughts on Nursing School

I have a confession to make. I potentially have chosen the wrong career. Not because the work is so hard, or I hate the smell of hospitals, or because I enjoy the occasional potty break. But I hate throw up. I will tell you once, and I will tell you again. I hate it. I can handle it once its out, but its the getting there that gives me the willies. (Am I saying too much for you non nursing students?? Nursing school tends to delete your filter. You should hear about the things we have talked about during lunch....) A little while before I started school my husband had the stomach flu. While I was being the good wife that I am and delivering a can of sprite he made a sudden, very unexpected movement. I did not comfort him. I didn't even ask if he was ok. I ran. Out of our room. Up the stairs. Through the kitchen. And practically out the back door. And then I realized he wasn't going to throw up. He was just sitting up to drink his sprite! So with my head down in embarrassment I went back downstairs to take care of my sick husband.

Well some time passed and I made it into nursing school. And oh my goodness I was so excited. So much so that it practically put me into labor. Literally. I had my baby the next day. I was 40 weeks pregnant. We learned soooo much stuff. How to give shots. Ethical issues of nursing. Gillian Barre disease. How to use Therapeutic Communication...and how to spot it when your teacher uses it when you come to her room bawling your eyes out. How to teach patients how to prevent HIV. How to slap someone real good when they don't listen. How to not dress for Halloween. How to insert catheters, and how to remove them with out removing body parts. Hopefully. How to be friends. And to bring popcorn every day to class because, boy movie produces pay big bucks to create all the drama we get to see. How drug dealers don't make money through endorsement. And so much more.

But what is missing in that fabulous list? What to do when your patient has got to spew. I must have missed that lecture. And it was unfortunate. One of my last clinicals I was told in report that a patient had been vomiting several times, even after Zofran was given and all it would take was the little bit of water to swallow a pill. You better believe I got a little tachycardic with that. I missed the patient throwing up all over you lecture, remember? So time comes for us to give this pt their pills and a shot in the belly. So we give her Zofran. Good. I give the pills. Good. Now, I have to give the shot. In the belly. Right in Barf range. My patient moves a little when I grab their belly. And my first instinct is to run like heck. But I don't. I give  the shot and off we go. I did it. So 5 minutes before I have to leave we go in to check on this patient. We aren't in there more than 10 seconds when they say they are going to throw up. My nurse quickly grabs a bucket and takes care of our sick patient. And what did I do...besides maybe pee my pants a tiny bit. But don't worry about that, we learned with enough kagals I can work of that. Jk. Jk. ....well kinda. We really have learned about Kagals in great detail. But I digress. I stayed in that room. I didn't know what to do. But I stayed in the room, upright. Without fainting might I add, because I did that a few weeks earlier. I didn't stay right next to my patient and hold the bucket like my nurse did. But one step at a time because I sure wanted to just say see ya! Time to go and run outta there.

What did this teach me? That I can be a nurse.  But I can be a nurse. Nursing school is more than what we learn in lecture or lab. Its about the little triumphs we have all had. Its the caring. Its the lets get all the strange things like fainting during a PICC line out of your system when you can blame your student status. Its the silent victory as me give our first ventral gluteal IM injection. Its the smile we give to the student walking down the hall that doesn't sit in your "group." Nursing school is not just about being nurses. Its about becoming the best person we can be.



PS If this story sounds like you, its not. That was all made up to go with my story. I actually have never even gone to clinicals. I'm not even in nursing school. I'm a 40 year old engineer who has decided to go into law. So that was all fabricated in my brain. It never happened. If you think it did, you are wrong.

The last candle.

This is writen because of a prompt on Red Writing Hood. I was given a photo and a song. You can see these here. Please feel free to comment. I feel like moments are cliche. But maybe not. And if you have no idea what is going on, perhaps I need to add more detail.

 

 

The light flickered. All of a sudden I could feel all the pain I had been feeling for years drain out of my body, leaving me with a lightness I had never before experienced. I could no longer hear the rain outside, but was left with the sound of my thoughts. The light engulfed me; making me feel complete and unafraid. It was ok. I was ok. It became a source of comfort. I was not alone. They say your life flashes by you in this moment. But it was more the feelings of a lifetime manifested in a single moment. Pure Happiness.  As I walked forward, the emotions became more powerful, drawing me in. As I got closer I knew I had a choice: to continue towards the peace I had been searching my whole life for, or to go back—back to the pain and the anguish. Today, the choice was simple. I kept walking.

philosophical thoughts of Nursing in my eyes

Nursing school is hard. There, I said it. Now that that is off my chest, I can go on to more important things. ....such as how much I love nursing. I don't even know what I was thinking when I was thinking anything but nursing. I am so excited to serve humanity in such a unique way. Very few professions have the ability to make such an impact on someones life. We are there for someone in a way the average person can't be. I am so blessed that I am on my way to fulfill my dreams. I know through my experiences that I am meant to be a nurse.I don't want to say its a calling, but its pretty darn close.

If I wasn't supposed to be here, than I wouldn't be. If I wasn't supposed to have a closer-to-death-than-I-ever-want-to-get experience the day AFTER I get accepted, than things wouldn't have happened. I know I'm turning all philosophical on you, but thats how it is. That is only going to make me a better nurse. I am on a mission to support the mother and family after a birth trauma. There are little to know resources out there. We are forgotten. If you loose a baby you have a support group. If your child is born with a birth defect you have a support group. If you get an amniotic emboli and end up getting DIC you don't. (now I'm not trying to downplay those situations at all. I whole heartily hope that I never have to go through that myself. But, due to the nature of their situation its easier to identify the need for support. We birth trauma moms don't have anything substantial for people to see and identify with that we need help too. So its just different.) We need a community to come to who understands our problems. Who understands resenting your child for the way she came to the world, but feeling like the worse person in the world because of those feelings. For feeling like a failure because you missed seeing your two children see each other for the first time. Getting off my soap box now.... I know that it is my duty to these mothers to create such support. I don't know if it will come when (not if) I am working in Labor and Delivery. Or if it is something I work on now before I even step foot in a hospital as an RN. But it is my duty to help them. And, in tern, help myself.

For the mom in me

I think this is an amazing story. It makes me so excited to be a nurse. And grateful that the issues I had were so mild compared to this mom. Warning, there are breastfeeding pictures, so if you don't like boobies, than don't read it. lol.

http://theleakyboob.com/2012/04/breastfeeding-the-icu-support-and-facebook-support-that-keeps-on-giving/

blessed

I am so grateful to be able to live my dreams and be in nursing school. I love it. Every minute of it. ....ok, so maybe thats a lie. Every minute except for the constant stress of the billion and a half things I have to do. But I love being in a group of people who are so supportive and find humor in things normal people shouldn't. Like winking urethras. ....ok. that might be a little tmi in this blog. Oh well.

In my other non-nursing student life, Zoey is a goof ball. Yesterday Zoey sang "butter on my head" to the toon of twinkle twinkle little star. No clue where that came from. Ava smiles and laughs now. Its awesome. And Chris is so supportive and does basically everything around the house. I am so blessed.